Why everyone hates you?

Could everyone really hate you?

You wouldn’t flatter yourself so much, would you? Obviously, it can’t be the whole world out here hating on one. But you certainly have been in places where people show up occasionally who don’t seem to like you for reasons not very obvious to you. It’s as if they’re just not very much impressed about having to deal with the fact of your sheer existence. It’s Like something about your very presence makes them just want to poof! It can be annoying Sometimes.

Maybe you might say ‘well they can hate all they want, I don’t care.’ You could even begin to feel yourself wanting to return the hate. Or… sometimes you’re just wrong about they disliking you.

Interestingly enough, people generally tend to care that they are not liked, even if they would rather like to say they don’t care and mean it.

People try to solve this by initiating some kindness and being nice toward their “hater”. That seems like a good way to go and maybe it might work. But sometimes showing kindness only annoys them the more. Then the option to not care really begins to take a more definite shape. But wait! Not just yet. Maybe you’ve been doing it all wrong.

You would think that being kind to your haters should get their attention and change their attitude toward you. You might believe offering the first hand of friendship would make them know you’re all about good intentions toward them. But could it be that your initiated kindness approach itself is the problem? Why might that be?

It is possible that waving your innocuous kindness in their face, when they’ve never wanted or asked for it, is only fueling their hate.

Look at it this way, they don’t like you already, and having you show off your “supposed” virtue of kindness when they don’t think you’re good enough to be liked is pretty annoying to them. While you tried to be kind toward them, maybe all you did was to show them how good you are. And it probably may have seemed like you were actually declaring how BETTER a person you are than them, even if that was not your idea. Unfortunately, that’s how some minds might be construing your efforts of kindness.

Obviously, you can’t make them see what is truly in your heart (if there is indeed something there). But you can do something else that might work. You can create a way for them to also indulge their own hidden “good person”. You do this by offering them a chance to be kind too. People generally like to think of themselves as good people and they like to show it. And if you validate their assertion of their goodness, they like it! If you’re lucky enough, they tend to like you, because you acknowledged some value in them. So here is something you could try:

Ask for their help on something that they might be willing to assist anyone at all on. Maybe something they like doing already. Make it as easy as possible and let them feel you assume that they are competent enough to help and kind enough to say yes. When they are done and you’re thanking them, be sure to be very clear and definite about what value their assistance meant to you. You can even mention their good deed again later (possibly in the presence of others) in a way that makes it seem like you don’t ever suppose they might not like you.

But the key thing is to be sure they notice how much you acknowledge the value of their kindness.

It might seem counter-intuitive to have people do things for you in order for them to like you, instead of you doing things for them first. But it works. It is something like what people have called the “Ben Franklin effect”. Creating a chance for people to rather offer you their kindness (even if out of sheer courtesy), and making them know how much you appreciate the value of their help, can be pure gold.

This however does not mean, everyone has to like you. (And of course you already know that) But it sure could be that we don’t know if doing nothing at all about our no-apparent-reason-haters is always the best call. There is also the possibility that you deserved the hate after all. Who knows? We’re all monsters one way or the other.

Also, sometimes people who do not seem to like you probably just assume you think too great of yourself. But when they see that you can be lowly enough to admit vulnerability, seek their assistance and even acknowledge the value of their help, their perception can begin to change. So, if you’re being a good person and yet haters only hate, try giving them a chance to be good people too. Sometimes such people can turn out to be the greatest friends. Maybe it was good you didn’t say ‘I don’t care’ too early after all. And you might think “why go through all this for a hater?” Fair question! At least you would have relieved a person of the poison of mere hate, because you gave them a chance to love. Of course it’s your call to decide if it’s worth it.

...but these are just thoughts in progress. So, as always, do share your thoughts; let’s hear your perspective

PS:

The reverse also works. If you feel you do not like someone but you don’t seem to understand why, do not let it grow worse. Offer to do them a kindness that they might accept or give them a present they might like, hard as it might be for you. If you are true, your heart will follow your will.