Apology overrated ?

It feels great! doesn’t it?

I mean the part where you both say “I’m sorry” to each other after a heated argument.

There is a sudden calm feeling. Sometimes a peaceful silence followed by a big cozy hug. The wind has now ceased, the waters are calm, and tranquility has been restored like there was never a stormy conflict. It’s like the relationship is now sailing strong and true again.

Two weeks later there is a tiny flicker and the next thing you know, an explosion into a whole new fiery scene again. Again? The cycle goes on like this in many relationships. Between couples, fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, work colleagues, etc. You would think the apology might have ended it all but that’s just the problem.

 Apologies only end conversations but they don’t solve the problem.

The apology probably should not have ended the hard conversation. Maybe it should have segued the exchange into a new conversation; the real conversation that actually solves the problem! There are some people who perceive the sound of an apology as the end of all things. Sometimes people literally demand apologies as the only thing they want to hear in order to deem a conflict resolved.

Apologies may be good tools to end a big uncomfortable exchange, but we fail to reckon that the positive impression we get after an apology is just emotions dictating the narrative of the moment. Apologies are good. But maybe their usefulness may have been overrated. Or Perhaps it is their potential utility that is usually under appropriated. Let’s see what happens in many conversations:

Sometimes, in a heated exchange, we are only just (low key) having an ego battle and we pretend it is really about why someone did not place the jar in the cabinet. Sometimes we are not even aware it is an ego battle until after subsequent reflections. Sometimes the true issue may be that a person doesn’t feel well regarded or appreciated enough. But it may be hard to open up honestly about that. Maybe they think saying it makes them seem needy or vulnerable and the other person must figure it out by themselves.

 So sometimes what we are arguing about is not what we are arguing about.

These ego monsters work to keep the true issues off the whole conversation and make the argument about some less upsetting issue. So, words are exchanged about a shallow subject matter, but with the fiery spirit of the deeper subject matter. This may be why sometimes people are surprised thinking someone is over reacting. They are probably not overreacting about what is really bothering them. They seem to be overreacting because they are subtly arguing with the sentiments of serious case, but with the narrative of a less dire subject matter.

So how can we break this ego barrier so we can become aware of what is really bothering the other person? This is where apologies could do more than just end conversations. Apologies lower and lighten the heightened tension. Apologies more or less bring the minds of, let’s say, a couple to the fact that there are things they value more than what they are fighting about. So, they both let down their ego monsters to embrace love and vulnerability. When, apologies seem to have broken down the tension and revived trust, this is just where we must be careful not to miss the chance to exercise more of the utility of an apology.

The ego monsters, having been silenced by apologies, is an opportunity for people to continue the conversation, but in a better spirit, instead of just ending it.

It is an opportunity to revisit and understand what just happened all over again, instead of letting it go, only for it to reappear in another form. It is the best chance to deal with what is truly bothering each person without having it be dictated by bitter sentiments and ego. Because there is now an atmosphere of trust, honesty and a willingness to be vulnerable. But people usually just hug it out and move on as if they had just solved a problem, when they indeed were only at the threshold of really beginning to deal with the true issue.

So, when we exchange apologies after a big fight, maybe instead of walking away thinking the conversation has just ended, we should see it as, the conversation is now truly beginning. While we are still in the spirit of love and trust, we should ask each other what we might have been really fighting about.

It might seem scary to go back to an uncomfortable subject matter but it might be worth it. If the hard conversation is not faced head on, there could be something else going on that you might be ignoring. So maybe you should face the hidden scary monsters now, before they quietly grow worse and become untameable. Because they will.

…and as always, do share your thoughts; let’s hear your perspective

PS:

Oddly enough, conflicts can be a good sign that a relationship is healthy and growing. And a quiet seemingly peaceful relationship could be only a time bomb. Sometimes the denial of conflicts can be the most toxic problem.